Happy post-Valentine’s day! Can all the single people let out a sigh of relief and breathe in a deep breath of renewal for another year? Amen!
Personally, I have been dwelling and wrestling over relationship decisions in my life, but I have steadfastness and peace and faith that by abiding in God, He will make straight my paths.
These past two days I have been trying to make the most of my for-the-first-time free weekend and trying to put my sleep schedule back into place. For the past two weeks or so my sleep schedule has been absolutely HORRIBLE in the fact that I’ve been dwelling in the library until 4am on most nights; doing all-nighters time to time for those midterms, and have not taken any naps because I am just generally not a napper and have had no time to take any, and I have a job on top of my ministry duties, and I have to go home every weekend and teach body worship, go to church….blah blah blah.
But, I have not been successful. At all. In fact, I have become even more jet-lagged and even more irregular in my sleeping pattern; two nights ago I slept at 9:30PM-2AM, then 5:30AM-8:30AM. Last night (or this morning) I slept at 5:30AM and woke up at 10:30AM today. It’s weird how I don’t feel tired or sleepy.
But, you know, it’s funny because God works in mysterious ways. And I’m not just going to throw that phrase out there, allow me to explain.
God has been revealing things to me in these literal quiet times. Where it’s just me and the ceiling, so basically me and God.
Two nights ago, I decided to go to sleep whilst listening to a sermon. This sermon was by Pastor Dennis, my pastor at BTM (Burning Tree Ministry) at Thanksgiving Church in Buena Park, where I have been newly committed. I personally absolutely love and respect and admire his sermons, so it is the first time that I have decided to listen to a sermon on my own like this. I put on the message about “Membership” since I am a new member, and fell asleep about halfway through.
I woke up at 2AM as I mentioned before, to no apparent reason. I’ve been extremely sleep deprived; every time I’ve slept in these past two weeks I’ve knocked out cold, to be abruptly annoyed by my alarm after what seemed like a blink of sleep. But this time when I decided to “gift” myself almost 11 hours of sleep, my idiotic body said no and woke up in a mere 5 hours.
I decided to listen to another sermon. This one I chose was called the Dating Series Part I. I obviously chose this one because of my current relationship dilemma; but also I just wanted to hear a sermon. These days I hunger for anything of the LORD, if it will reveal to me Godly insight or give me blessings or if it will glorify Him, I will do it.
All the the points Pastor Dennis said were wise and greatly applicable, but I felt like God was telling me something else. He was telling me that I was blocking intimacy between me and God, and me and everyone else; subconsciously. I realized that in my current dating dilemma right now, I was fearing intimacy. I feared commitment, because I was fearing intimacy. I feared intimacy, because I feared getting hurt. My previous relationship with a boyfriend was very intimate. I told him many things that I have never told anyone else. That intimacy still haunts me to this day. The fact that someone else knows so much about me; that that person has access to this guarded, steeled heart. It haunts me, gets me shuddering, and makes me wish I never dated in the first place; even though I myself have recognized that God blessed me extremely through that relationship. This new relationship dilemma I have reminds me of that same haunting feeling. Of me opening my guarded, steeled heart to someone else, and shakily handing over the keys to my intimacy. I am scared. I don’t like the fact that someone other than myself knows my weakest points, my low moments, my shame, my embarrassments, my sins, my status. And you know what, I fear marriage. I fear that.
But God was telling me, “I want to break down that barrier you have over your intimacy. I want to take those thorns out of you, my precious flower in whom I delight in.”
Now this same idea I wrestled with onto yesterday and last night as well, where I could not sleep until 5:30AM even though I had lacked on sleep the night before. Yesterday during worship, I had a vision of a beautiful, light pink, ethereal rose that took up my whole sight, maybe it was huge. There were thorns on it, but a gentle hand was plucking them off one by one.
In freshman year (last year), Joey, a servant team member in my campus ministry KCM came up to me after an event called Prayer Rock and told me that he saw a vision for me. He said that he saw a flower with thorns, and that God’s hand came to pluck the thorns away one by one. Then he proceeded to tell me that God was breaking down my barriers. Whatever hurts I had in the past, God was taking down the barriers that I had built up. Now that I think about this, it was a vision then and applied very much then, but I can see it as a prophetic vision as well now.
To see pretty much the same vision that Joey saw for me one year ago. It was prophetic. I was still the same as back then. Immature, guarded, and fearing of intimacy. Help me LORD.
I don’t have an ending to this story, because it is ongoing. I am still wrestling. However, God has revealed all this to me. Just because I was a bit sleep deprived. Because I asked Him for a renewal and rejuvenation and for growth. He gave me something new to work on. He is with me.
These days I have been feeling a little bit jet-lagged, out of place, and weirdly claustrophobic; even though I am free. I just want to lift up a prayer to the LORD.
God, father, I pray that you would rebuke this spirit of trapped feelings, of being encased in a snare, maybe of sin, maybe of just demonic interference, but whatever it is, I declare in the name of JESUS that only, only the Holy Spirit would dwell inside of me. That whatever this feeling is, it would be replaced with joy. Joy because I abide in You. Joy because I keep your commandments. Joy because I love You, and You loved me first. Joy because I didn’t ask for it, yet You still blessed me and chose me. Joy because You adopted me when I was an orphan. Joy because You are my one and only father, and will always be. Joy because even though I am not joyful, you give me joy down deep in my soul. I pray that even when others are dry, I will still proclaim and sing to You every single day. May most of my life be spent talking to You. May I talk to You more than I talk to anyone else. I pray that I would engage in Your Word EVERY SINGLE DAY in DESPERATION and ADORATION and LONGING to hear Your VOICE and what You have called for me. May I not cling so desperately to my calling because that is a subtle sin of ANXIETY. But may I LOOK AT YOU as You ALWAYS remind me to. HELP ME to become INTIMATE WITH YOU. And You FIRST. Then, I have faith that You will provide EVERYTHING else. I PRAY THAT I will love you FIRST before I offer my acts of service up to You. Even though Acts of Service is my love language, I pray that I WILL PURELY LOVE YOU before I offer up empty, garbage service to You. I realize that my whole life I have offered up sacrifices to You that were not even proper, not prepared, not right. My heart is lifting as I pray. You are good. I PRAY THAT I will listen to You, and that our prayers may be sweet conversations that fill me up a million times more than any conversation I will have with a human. MAY I LEARN Your language. HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND Your voice, and discern Your voice. I pray for spiritual gifts, LORD. I pray that You would continuously give me visions. And may I learn to discern whether they are from You or from myself. I pray for the gift of tongues, that I may LITERALLY learn Your language and pray to You exactly what the Spirit wishes to intercede for me. And I pray for any other charismatic spiritual gift, whether it would be healing, exorcising; if it is in Your will. Not my will, but Yours be done, LORD. I pray that You would ANOINT my voice. I realize that I have been praising You all this time, but I wasn’t even engaging in the WORD. How could I possibly be anointed if I don’t even know You LORD? Yet, You still blessed me and placed me on Praise Team since I was 15. It’s never too late, I pray that You would once again ANOINT my voice. Help me to sing unto You praises from the depths of my soul, where the Holy Spirit dwells and utters unctions that I may not even know. May my worship be delightful to You. I thank You from the bottom of my heart God for delighting in me, and loving me so, so much. And honoring my worthless worship, my lacking worship. You told me that You enjoyed my worship. WOW. What is that. How can that be so. My talent-less voice, my amateur guitar skills. It really is the heart that You see, isn’t it God. I am so delighted that You delight in me that I have no words on this earth that could explain. If it is in Your will I pray that You would anoint my guitar skills as well, that I may lead the congregation in honor and praise. I have had a deep desire to lead praise ever since I first joined my Youth Group in 7th grade. I do not know whether You have placed that desire within me, or it is my own selfish ambition for the limelight. Whatever it is, I pray that Your will would be done. If You have placed the desire in my heart for a reason, I PRAY that I can receive the opportunity. GOD. I want to worship in front of brothers and sisters, and I want to see them shouting and jumping for joy and delighting in the unseen GOD. I want to feel that euphoria of A LARGE GROUP OF BELIEVERS JUST LIFTING YOUR NAME HIGH AND SINGING PRAISES TO YOU. MAY YOUR ANGELS COME DOWN AND SING WITH US ON THAT DAY. God, I have recently begun to evangelize at school. It is hard; my flesh wills against it every time. But I PRAY THAT YOU WOULD ANOINT ME IN THE CALLING YOU HAVE GIVEN EVERY BELIEVER, THE CALLING TO LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR AND TO DIE FOR OUR FRIENDS. I PRAY THAT I WOULD HAVE COURAGE TO SPEAK TRUTH AND LIVING HOPE TO THESE FELLOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO DO NOT KNOW YET THAT WE ARE FELLOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN YOU. GIVE ME DELIGHT AND JOY IN EVANGELIZING. I HAVE RECEIVED A LEADERSHIP POSITION, MAY I EXEMPLIFY THE LOVE THAT YOU’VE POURED OUT ONTO ME AND OVERFLOW IT TO YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS. God, I am desperate for You. I pray that I would abide in You. You said that if we abide in You, You would answer all of our prayers. Help me to love you, my home, my house, my shelter, my rock, my cornerstone, my lover, my king, my God, my father, my life-giver, my abba, my LORD, my savior, mine. And I am Yours. God, I pray that if a missionary if my calling, that Your will would be done. But first, help me to read the Bible. God, I pray that I would go to Japan and Korea, and even n k this summer safely, protected, shielded by You, that I would go with BOLDNESS and shoes of readiness to spread the gospel of peace. Help me to share the gospel with my family. Help me to be a beacon of light to my sister. Help me to encourage the believers I will meet. Help me to radiate Your love unto my students. Help me to radiate YOUR LOVE IN THAT VERY NATION WHICH ONLY 2% KNOWS OF YOU. GOD RIGHT NOW I WANT TO INTERCEDE FOR THE NATION OF JAPAN THAT YOU HAVE PLACED A DEEP DESIRE IN MY HEART FOR. I PRAY FOR ALL THE LOST SOULS, THAT ONE DAY THEY MAY HEAR OF YOUR GOODNESS. I HAVE FAITH FOR THE DAY THAT A REMNANT OF JAPAN WILL SEE YOUR FACE. I PRAY THAT YOU WILL MOLD ME, SHAPE ME, FORM ME THAT I MAY BE USED IN JAPAN FOR YOUR GLORY AND YOUR GOODNESS. GOD I PRAY THAT YOU WOULD MAKE ME GREAT IN YOUR NAME THAT I COULD RAISE AWARENESS THAT SUCH A LOVING FATHER IS WAITING FOR ALL OF US FOR THAT SPECIAL DAY WHERE WE WILL BE REUNITED. WHEN WE THE CHURCH WILL BE REUNITED WITH THE BRIDEGROOM. OH WHAT A JOYOUS DAY! Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord Almighty. Who can stop the Lord Almighty? God I am just resonating with joy. Who was I just a mere few moments ago? Your declaration over me has awakened me, wakened me from my sleep. God, I love you, so, so much. I can’t wait for the day I can run to Your arms and stay in Your embrace forever. I want to be the apple of Your eye, the daughter who hugs You for all of eternity. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
That was an intense prayer. Possibly the most intense prayer I’ve ever prayed. Declaring over myself His love, is so powerful. How can we stay so intact with the world? Why are we so obsessed with the world? God’s simple pat on my back can take me to a million emotions. Everything we need is in God. He is my enjoyment, my sovereign peace, my hobby, my life, my father, Jesus is my bridegroom, the fruits of my labor are from Him, the manna He rains down everyday is what I eat, the living water that never makes me thirst again is what I drink, the clothes that He clothes the grass with is what I wear. What else do we need?
Before I end, here are a some worship songs that have been blessing me IMMENSELY in the past few days.
Housefires – Joy
Jenn Johnson, Bethel Music – Nearness
Big Daddy Weave – The Lion and the Lamb
Jesus Culture, Kim Walker-Smith – In the River
Circuit Riders, Lindy – Not My Will
Jeremy Riddle, Bethel Music – In Your Light
Jesus Culture, Kim Walker-Smith – Happy Day
Jesus Culture, Melissa How – Rain Down
Bethel College Chapel Band – Here For You
Shane & Shane – O Praise Him (All This for a King)
Bethel Music & Matt Stinton – Glory to Glory to Glory
and can’t forget my ultimate, favorite worship song that I was tired from because I listened to it so much for the past 8 years but God renewed it for me with more divine power than before;
Hillsong Worship – This is Our God
If you’d like to listen to any of these songs (if anyone actually reads this post haha it was just a musing between me and God I feel like) they are all on my Spotify playlist. The playlist is named simply ‘christian’ (yes lowercased) and I can share it with you if you can’t find it, I will delightedly share it with you just message me, reply, text me, call me! It’s my prideful collection of 167 Christian songs that I enjoy. If you are eager to hear some new Christian songs or whatnot, I encourage you to checkout this playlist; it’s a good place to start with lots and lots of genres but all dedicated to the LORD. My name is simply Selah Park on Spotify.
thank you for reading. I hope you were encouraged.
Lord I lift this post to You. Hear my prayers. Use it for Your will if You want to. If not, then just please accept it as a pleasing sacrifice.
You give me joy
Down deep in my soul
Down deep in my soul
Down deep in my soul
You give me joy
Down deep in my soul
Down deep in my soul
Down deep in my soul
2861 words including this. Wow.