[Musings] 5/25/16

i havethe sounds of the beach and the waves are oddly reaching the windows of my room here in Isla Vista; at my apartment which is about 6-7 blocks from the actual coast.

how peaceful.

I remember before; when I was alone in my room with the door closed, not particularly doing anything, I would feel lonely. I would feel neglected, jealous, self-condemning, hurt, and all kinds of lows.

but now.

what do those things even entail.

how crazy seasons change, clouds pass by to reveal the sun or the moon; the earth gets either closer or farther from the sun, and we either have goosebumps or tan lines marking our skin.

I used to be tied down by those things. and I mean heavily tied down by those things. I would have bouts of anxiety, depression creeping over me, imagining no possibilities, unable to face reality. what I lacked left a void in me, but it filled me up with death.

but now.

it doesn’t even matter.

ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. I wish laughter could be transmitted through the screen.

why was I so immature. why am I so needy. why am I so worried. why am I so anxious. why am I so crazy. why do I sin.

ha. ha. ha. I laugh because I am a crazy sinner.

but now.

those things don’t matter to me. I’ve reached it… those chains have been broken.

they are so minuscule. ha. ha. ha. what a foolish girl. was the suffering worth it.

compared to the everlasting, overflowing, stirring, lashing out, torpedo of God’s patience, His suffering, His will, His plans, His grace, His rewards, His gifts, His reminders, His grace, Himself, His Son, His Spirit, me.

why did I even care about those things. my oh my. the wisdom that comes after humility. holy guacamole.

recently. a friend came to me stating that they were tired of humbling themselves to glorify God higher.

ha. ha. ha. I am not laughing at what the friend said. I am laughing because of the joy overpowering my ability to exist…normally.

I am honored, LORD Jesus, that I have the joy and the grace to be able to be humbled by You with no effort on my part, and the best part of it is that it lifts You up. others struggle with this, but You have blessed me, beckoned me, and chosen me. the pain… it hurts. it kills. it rips apart, it shrieks, it gasps, it’s ALIVE

but that fear, that death has no power over me, because the enemy has been defeated. death has lost its sting!!! VICTORY BELONGS TO THE LORD

You are worthy of it all. You are worth everything. I have nothing to say on that.

everything that replaces our joy for the LORD is an idol.

I thank You LORD for the suffering and the guilt, and the shame, and the humility. IT SUCKS. but You honor it.

wow. nothing even matters anymore. nothing else matters. nothing in this world will do.

recently, I’ve been so caught up in STUPID STUPID STUPID worldly issues and conflicts raging and battling in my head such as charismatics vs. conservatives, the fear of the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts among the people around me, the bitterness and judgment I’ve been casting on others because of my lack of trust in God’s authority over them, the bitterness towards what the world decides to entrust upon me, the worthlessness I feel from feeling neglected, unloved, unpopular, not trusted, not important, not beautiful, not worth, not good at anything; how much more I have and should do for others, how the world perceives me, what my future entails, idols, idols, idols

oh man.

but as I lay here on my bed. alone in my room. listening to Hillsong. listening to Bethel. listening to the ocean waves. listening to my housemate talk lovingly with her boyfriend.

I lay myself down as a laid down lover. or shall I say, God has laid me down…

tis the season to be joyful. nothing else really matters, Selah. follow your convictions and the Holy Spirit inside of you. no one else knows better than the LORD Almighty. judge others out of the righteousness in your heart. discern the words of even your most beloved peers. above all love God, love yourself, and love your neighbors. then all things will Christfully fall into place.

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

maranatha

 

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