this is about my heart.
it was broken 3 days ago.
I went head fast into a relationship in the winter of 2015 to 2016. I officially started dating in February of 2016. my heart and flesh failed me, and I didn’t discern, and I went into a relationship without truly praying, seeking counsel, and seeing the bigger picture.
I really thought I did.
my previous relationship was one I admit whole heartedly I was in infatuation, and I rushed head first into that one for sure. I broke up once in the middle of that one, and then again the last time, almost exactly one year before I decided to start this new one.
what was I thinking…
so many people were telling me as I began this relationship, oh, I think you guys aren’t ready to date, why didn’t you seek advice before you began the relationship, you look older than him, he looks really young, etc…
but you know what. I trusted my flesh. the guy told me many things, like how we could glorify God with this relationship, how he felt so convicted by God at that time that he had the grace to date me. I trusted his flesh.
I had much misgivings. I was so hurt by the previous relationship, that I never wanted to break up again. The next relationship for sure, I was going to get married. dating led to marriage anyways, I should totally only date to marry now. and that’s what I told this guy. I only wanted to date for marriage. I was so hesitant to accept the dating proposal because I truly didn’t know if I wanted to marry this guy or not. but it was the idea of glorifying God that truly attracted me to the idea. I would do anything to glorify God. at the time, I didn’t even care who I would eventually marry. because I had this sort of cynical, close-minded approach to pleasing God in the most literal way; by my obedience and by my actions. so I said yes. I said yes to glorifying God through marriage to a guy I didn’t know yet, but who promised that we could glorify God.
I eventually grew to like him. I admit it took me a while. I felt totally loved by him, and he affirmed me so much. many people would tell me, oh it seems like he really likes you, and he would do things that really made that seem true too. I was beginning to feel safe, secure, comfortable in the idea that I had someone who loved me despite my shortcomings; someone tangible; someone who was going to marry me. someone who promised that many times. I know because in my own insecurities I would ask him the question to make myself feel better.
I began to love him. I began to open my guarded heart. Because of the idea that I was going to be married to him. and because naturally, we were lovers, so my feelings grew. I began to reciprocate the love that he poured out onto me. I began to post on social media of him. I began to spend more and more and too much time with him. we were inseparable. we were in the same club, the same major, the same classes, the same church, the same house church, we live only 10 minutes away from each other in our hometowns…and this all still applies today.
but I was wrong. and maybe I wasn’t wrong, I will never know. But one thing for sure I knew was a mistake was trusting in something man-made. marriage of course is a covenant bound and promised to God, but it wasn’t something we had actually done yet. to be honest, we were still brothers and sisters in Christ. but we were beginning to act as if we were married. lust grew. boundaries crossed.
and then he broke the news. and although we had been intimate the day before, we were separated simply days later.
it came so suddenly. one of the biggest shocks of my life. and I handled it in probably the most shameful ways possible.
I blamed him.
I was so hurt because all of the promises he made to me were broken. where did that so dependent so sure marriage go. where did that promise for eternity go. where did that safety net just break off into. where did my heart go that I could never take back.
my life was shattered. and although I handled and am handling it pretty well, my life is pretty shattered right now. and it was that that made me realize that this relationship was so wrong.
anything that diminishes our joy is an idol.
he was my idol. my idol was the idea that I had tangible comfort. I had tangible safety. I had a tangible love that I could physically see, feel, touch, receive, and reciprocate.
I grew up with a heart that was always beaten by men. never physically, no. but emotionally. my father died when I was 17 almost 18. he was always sick, never able to truly do the things dad could do for me. he was not dependable, because he was sick. I never trusted him. my brother always had a sensitive temper. I lived and still live on tiptoes my whole life as he is always ready to bite back. my first relationship guy didn’t live up to my expectations; my fault. but he never gave me spiritual comfort which I earnestly needed. he hurt me because he never seemed to care for me. now this.
I have such a hateful heart towards men, in terms of loving. I have plenty of guy friends. I love men, they are okay. but men who I have to love unconditionally, as such as my family and my significant other…they have always hurt me. the closest men have always hurt me.
I have no answer to this. I am still healing. it is ongoing. my heart was hurt again by a man, and I currently have no answer to this problem.
back to the relationship. it was full of idolatry and lust. and still I love him so much. my heart hurts so much. because I loved him so much. my heart was tangibly opened to him. we were intimate.
my heart is still broken.
I would be lying if I said it was healed.
but I’m trying.
I’m asking. I’m seeking. I’m waiting for the door to open.
the door of restoration.
I realized he didn’t actually love me. and who knows if I truly loved him, even though I claim to.
if he and I were ready to date, we would have been ready to love. in the way that God loves.
“Your love’s not fractured
It’s not a troubled mind
It isn’t anxious
It’s not the restless kind
Your love’s not passive
It’s never disengaged
It’s always present
It hangs on every word we say
Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what’s sacred
‘Cause its vows are good
Your love’s not broken
It’s not insecure
Your love’s not selfish
Your love is pure”
-Steffany Gretzinger, Pieces
but I do not say this to defame him in any way. it is near impossible to love like God. but we must strive. strive together. as husband and wife. as to be husband and wife.
I can confidently say he tried his best. and I appreciated it so much. but we just weren’t ready.
I’d be lying if I said this relationship was regretful.
I was so blessed by this relationship, and it is an eternal blessing.
from this amazing guy I received impartations of freedom in worship, the constant need to guard against Satan and the need to rebuke always, the shamelessness in the gospel, the boldness in the truth and the Word, a new and completely amazing church to attend, confidence in my own ability to use spiritual gifts for the LORD, the knowledge of “burden before the anointing,” maybe just a little bit of the crazy amounts of zeal he had for the LORD, the joy in prayer and in the reading of the Word, the immediate trust in Jesus in the face of every trial, the beautiful side of Christianity where the Holy Spirit is so recognized and trusted, the belief in the convictions from God uniquely sent to each and every one of us, and the will to love the LORD like no one else.
I received so much. so I lost so much.
but you know, God doesn’t lead us where He doesn’t go…
I was led by God into this.
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
my story is ongoing.
where else will you lead me LORD?
it’s a new season.