[musings] 6/5/16

forestyou know I’ve been doing a good job these past few days.

I think I’ve been trying my best to heal.

but you know

it’s true that Satan attacks you when you’re alone.

 

I’m just here at Biola, trying to get an essay done that I completely forgot about during this week of sufferings.

but again…like many of the nights of this terrible week, here come the depressing thoughts, the pain, the loneliness, the jealousy, the confusion, the sadness, again…

it’s been such a rough week. I suffered a lot. a lot of the nights I felt like I was going insane because of the loneliness and pain I was feeling in my heart. why do hearts have nerves all of a sudden, only when they are broken.

but I think I was doing well. I talked to several people, got a lot of my emotions out.

but you know, I’m alone again, and then I get reminded again…

but you know, I’ve been telling everyone about how wonderful of a guy he is. and no matter how much pain I feel, I don’t think that will change. because I still trust him. and I trust his decision, his conviction. he never really wronged me, or defamed me in anyway. it’s just up to miscommunication to sour our relationship now. you know what I mean. “why am I deleted from every single photo” “I know I did that too but” “maybe he didn’t like me after all” “maybe he stopped loving me” “does he hate me now”

such disgusting thoughts

but that’s what I mean when I say it’s up to miscommunication to ruin what’s left of our relationship.

but you know what

I really have a desire, a wish, that we could still be friends, you know.

he is such an amazing person. he gave me so much passion, zeal, energy…

I understand the distance we have to have right now, but if only I could get the thought across that I wanted to still be his friend…some way…

It’s hard, because I just can’t talk to him anymore. that barrier has been established. as much as it hurts.

I know there’s a 50% chance of this happening, but I really desire that he doesn’t avoid me…

maybe I’m writing this in hopes that one day he will read this? I don’t know, I never told him about this blog.

God, it’s so hard letting go.

I miss him so much. love him so much. long to see him so much. mourn so much.

was I that in love? wow.

didn’t even know until it was over.

man.

God, I pray in the name of Jesus, that I will never have to go through heartbreak again.

is there even enough heart left to break?

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