[musings] 6/6/16

forest 2what a scary date.



how can you study when all you wanna do is Jesus?

but what does that even mean.

I don’t want to study, but if I didn’t have to study, then I would just do Jesus.

But what does doing Jesus mean to me? It means listening to worship songs, worshipping, praising, singing, playing guitar, reading the Word, spending quiet time with Him, thinking about Him, talking about Him, talking with Him…

but you know what’s crazy

studying is doing Jesus.

studying is follow what He commanded for me to do right now, which is Jesus.

How can we be sure that is what He commanded for us to do right now?

Well, look at yourself.

what are you doing right now?

that is where He placed you.

that is where He led you to.

“You won’t lead me where you don’t go.” -Steffany Gretzinger in We Dance


all I can do is pray that He takes me out of here soon. cue laughter!

continue on if you want to read some more depressing news:



this weekend was one of the most toughest weekends of my life.

this Sunday especially.

I went to the altar call as usual; it’s been a theme these past few weeks for me to go to every single altar call. it just feels so good up there. it’s nice getting prayed over, but what I really love about it is the physical aspect of kneeling before God and surrendering all to Him; and I get to do it every Sunday.

I cried my guts out. my tears and nose tears wet the floor.

cause of all the hurt I had accumulated over the week. just piled it up and let it out.

I wasn’t hurt all week; it just was from my breakup. I had held it in all week; and I finally just burst out at the feet of Jesus.

and I prayed that we could be friends that day.

but I realized that we would need more time.

and I also learned that he’s hurting a lot as well.

I could tell by the way he unfollowed me on some social media platforms.

because we didn’t break up because of something that we did,

we broke up because we wanted to grow closer to Jesus.

but I think it’s safe to say that for the meantime, we still struggle,

both are struggling, to separate from each other.

we are suffering on our own.

so we aren’t friends yet. I’m going to have to wait a lot longer.


but that wasn’t the only hurt of the day,

I had to pick my brother up from work, as I do sometimes.


we fought.

because I had to use his car AGAIN; even though it would only be for two more weeks, and then never again. he got angry at me because I was causing him inconvenience to do “selfish” things like serving God. that is why he hates God. because people step on others to “serve” Him. because Christians are selfish. because they help others who are unfortunate. because they can’t help everyone and only choose to help some people. because my father spent the last 20 years of his life feeding starving north korean children and not taking care of his own children. because I don’t pay any rent. because I didn’t have to drive dad to the hospital at 4am during high school. because I didn’t have to be the oldest. because I grew up wrong and it’s partly his fault as well. because I am a pathetic excuse for a human who respects our dad who I hated all my life too, but grew to love him after his death and respected and loved the way he poured out his heart for the lost. even if it meant sacrificing his own. even if he wasn’t the best dad and even if he didn’t raise us in the best way possible. and that I should get out of the house. because I am a f&$%ing retard.


it would only be for two more weeks. I’m sorry but I really want to serve God, because nothing else is important for me anymore. I’m sorry. christians are not selfish. we are the people who help the misfortunate, we are doing something to help others. this is why I went to Uganda and Nicaragua. this is why I do these things. I don’t live for myself. noah my deepest desire is for you to know Jesus. noah I’m gonna keep praying for you whether you like it or not. noah I’m sorry. I love you no matter what. I hope we can see each other in heaven. you didn’t pay rent when you were 19. I love dad. I hated him my whole life too, but now I love him, and I respect him for what he did, even if he neglected us.

and that is how are rapid-fire conversation sort of rolled out. sort of.

he had such illogical logic; he would bring up subjects that weren’t relevant, he would say such stupid things like Christians shouldn’t help the world if they can’t help everyone. Christians, what’s the point of them helping others when people suffer anyways.

his hate of Jesus blinds him. now I realize, my brother has Satan inside of him.

and he always brings up my dad whenever we fight. dad is always the source of the problem for you huh noah. he’s dead. but he still manages to cause every conflict for you, huh noah. somehow he is still the source of all your problems, today and tomorrow.

forgive him already.



tldr: I basically lost my brother. all I can do is pray for him now. the more I live out Jesus, the more he comes to hate Jesus. today I proclaimed the truth, and acknowledged God before my brother. and the results were the worst I have ever had.

but this is what you do.



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