[musings] 6/12/16

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^my wall of worship that took 45 minutes to write during one of my finals week study nights. I was so joyful that people kept it up for a while.

I want to smell like worship.

I need to write on my blog otherwise I’m going to go insane.

because there is just so much in my head, I need to write it all down.

I know I talk to God, and He knows and remembers everything, but I am sinful and I don’t.

 

There’s just been a lot going on in my life. so much. I wonder if I will remember everything to write. I am just going to kitchen sink and write everything and anything that comes to mind. I am not sorry that it is messy; I deal with this 24/7.

Tsunamis of revival now are crashing on the shore…a movement of the Spirit like we’ve never seen before…and every eye and tongue will see the glory of the coming of the LORD

our generation is a generation of REVIVAL. more and more I see my peers go on missions, sacrifice their precious time, willingly take on extra years of school to go on 8-month long mission trips, EP, go to DTS…

circuit riders is so amazing. they are the band of this generation. they are seeking revival; along with this generation that WILL bring about revival. Jesus may very well come right now.

I want to be involved in more things for Jesus. My prayer these days consists of “more for You…more for You…more for You…” x 2,000

I have been looking into opportunities for more of Jesus in my life.

Not to discredit KCM, or being a praise core…but I have been looking for opportunities to humble myself and possibly go and do something more less-self-exalting if that makes sense and more God exalting. it actually doesnt make sense. I don’t even understand my own motives or the reason for things. I have been really confused lately. I think maybe that is why my mom keeps urging me to ask God for wisdom these days. I have known sincerely nothing except the truth of the gospel. I really know nothing but Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 2:2 “For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.”

So I looked into ACTS global which is a school in Colorado Springs for long-term missionaries. They are offering free tuition this Fall and my Pastor encouraged us to go. I felt supremely convicted during that sermon to go. So I looked into everything; but the dates don’t work for me. I come back from Japan on September 19th, but the program begins September 11. I also would have to miss two quarters of school; resulting in a 5th year at UCSB. Jacqueline from church is doing it, and willingly taking a 5th year at UCR. I am so blessed by her. I want to go so bad; with her.

I looked into the Circuit Riders 21 movement which is a program this summer for worship leaders, missionaries, church anythings…but it’s during my internship in Japan. $500 in Orange County.

I’ve been looking into DTS which is Discipleship Training School associated with YWAM, Youths With A Mission. Eunice from church is pausing school to do this; the one in KONA. The YWAM in North Cascades (near Seattle and Vancouver) starts September 22, and is about $6,000 including housing and outreach; but not food and transportation.

UGH. So many opportunities this summer. Yet I’m grateful whilst I’m ungrateful. Because I get to go to Japan, which I believed was my calling. I get to go to South Korea and preach the gospel to my relatives. I get to go to East Asia and spend precious time with children. I get to go to the area above South Korea and witness the fruits of my father’s last 20 years of life.

By the way. I have sort of started walking back from my calling to be a missionary in Japan. These days, my heart is so full of desire for worship, so focused on intimacy with the LORD, so penetrated of God’s presence in every facet of life, so full of grace that nothing really has been mattering. Yeah, I’m still suffering with the break up. I still have things I need, like financial provision, a healthy community, my brother’s salvation… But really, nothing else has been mattering these days. So much that I don’t really care what my future brings; in a good way. I just know that right now, I want to worship God with all that I have and all that I am. And I want more for Him. I want more for Him. I want more for Him. That means that I want to do more things for God. I want to gain more things, to use for God. I want to go to more places for God. I want to reach higher glories for God. I want more anointings for God. I want more gifts from God for God.

So I will see what happens this summer. I don’t know what is going to happen; what if God calls me to stay in Japan, what if God grows more and more of my desire for Japan; what if it dies completely and I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do anymore; it’s all good.

I have been learning a lot from watching Jonathan. Weird. Huh. I can’t talk to him anymore; but in a way I can still limitedly see him and what he is doing. A lot of things have been happening for him. Joining praise team, having hopes set on him to be a great praise leader in BTM, backing out on KCM praise team which I am in charge of, to focus on BTM praise which I totally understand. But just today, he revealed he wasn’t going to STSM Japan anymore, because of his parents wishes. I totally am confused. Haha. I will not try to understand, but I will understand the idea that he has always had his roots on what he feels like is the Holy Spirit convicting him. And I totally support that. I have no problems with that at all. If I could say something to him, I would keep encouraging him to do what he is doing; none of us know better what is God’s will for him other than him and God. That is their intimacy. He is going to Arizona with TKC now. I pray that he will be blessed; regardless of where he goes, God is with him and he is going to do great things.

But that brings me to another point. I set high hopes on Jonathan because when we talked a lot before dating, we used to relate a lot because I had gushed over Japan so much to him, and he had developed a heart for Japan as well. As we progressed in dating, I had hopes and dreams that we would work together in Japan. I even had a vision of him leading praise with me in Japan; which I guess is false now. I felt so much reassurance because I was going to go to Japan with someone I loved. I felt safe and excited. But now, I see even more that it was not God’s plan at all. With Jonathan backing out of his STSM trip, I feel like his passion for Japan was largely imparted from me. Not that it was a bad thing at all. But I think he is rethinking his future as well. On his own. Not influenced by anyone else; but between God and him. Amen. God please use him for great things.

But now, I am scared. If indeed my calling is Japan, I am set on a lonely path. With no one to go with, no idea what to do, no contacts there… if that is my future, God is with me.

Back to the KCM thing (wow that was like ages ago…) but I realized with all the doors closed, God wants me to be a worship leader for KCM at UCSB. I tried to humble myself, but it didn’t work L O L.

Even with academic probation…if I don’t get good grades from the finals this spring quarter, I may get kicked out of school. But I have a feeling that I’m gonna stay. But if I do get kicked out, I want to go to DTS or missions or 8 month EP. Man, I really don’t care about the future and school. HAHA.

what else what else what else what else

Man, all I have been doing is worshipping, worshipping worshipping. I can’t stop playing guitar. I can’t stop singing. I love car rides because they are SPECIFICALLY times for intimacy with the LORD. 90% of it is just pure worship, 10% is prayer. I LOVE it. I don’t care how long the drives is because I get to spend more time with God. I’ve been driving a lot these days just to worship Him, and I’ve been LOVING it. I can’t wait to get my car so I can just worship Him MORE.

At BTM, they announced a mentorship program for upperclassmen to new members/freshmen. I’m really excited and I want to do it because I am not really in a ministry at BTM right now. I want to serve. I was thinking of joining Reach team in the Fall. I eventually want to join praise; that’s really my passion. But eventually.

But the thing is…house church. We’re supposed to encourage our “disciples” to go to house church. But I go to SB, and Fullerton House Church is on Thursdays. KCM is on thursdays. If Fullerton HC moves to Wednesday, I’m considering driving down for HC and coming back up. I’m also considering going down only on Sundays next year and coming right up either right after fellowship or at night. I am considering doing STSM anyways.

But Pastor Dennis told me that I don’t have to necessarily go to House Church to encourage my disciples to go to house church; just have the right mindset. He also told me it might be a good idea to leave Fullerton House Church because of Jonathan…which makes me INCREDIBLY sad because of the relationships I have built there… but I will for sure pray about it this summer. If I am able to heal this summer and him too, then I can stay…but I may have to join another one otherwise.

Man Pastor Dennis and I ate together this week and we talked for 3.5 hours LOL because I have so much to say and because I have no mentor figure so I just poured out to him…it was SO GOOD I freaking love Pastor Dennis. He told me to just kill all hope, even for friendship, with Jonathan. As much as it SUCKS, it’s so true. I pray God, that You would help me kill ALL hope of a relationship with Jonathan.

Today I saw him after I got back to church from fellowship after service. He was just lying down on the couch, and the group I was with all just sat down on the couch next to him. We were going to play mafia but as soon as I saw him I went into panic mode. I didn’t know what to do so I literally grabbed the girl next to me even though we just met today. Sorry Katherine. And I walked outside and said gibberish to Carolina, Ashleigh, and Eugin…HAHA. That was so bad. One more week. I am really sad. How can I go on missions and go places, when I love my community and need it and want it so much…

MAN I love BTM community so much. God really answered my prayers by bringing me here. Jonathan, you gave me such a TREMENDOUS blessing and I am eternally grateful for you for bringing me here… I love BTM so much. The sermons are so powerful (Pastor Dennis), the worship is SO STIRRING…I have never…been so excited to go to church on Sundays every single day of the week. I just wait and wait for Sundays to come…I LOVE JESUS. This community builds me up so much. I am so grateful because they reached out to me individually after my break up, and comforted me, and eagerly seek to befriend me… I love this community. And I can’t wait to get plugged in more. Next year I think I will indeed go down every week. I just can’t stop. I’m addicted to Jesus, and I’m growing more and more in intimacy with Him through the help of this church. God I pray that You would continue to help me get plugged into this church. You said that You would give me a community of good friends. Please allow me to gain that great community that I can trust, give, receive, and sow seeds.

I need to bring people to this church.

I LOVE this community, and I feel like I was meant for it. I am so honored to be with people who I can relate to, and people who are similar to me. People who are so on fire for Jesus. Who are willing to sacrifice their time and money and everything to go and serve Him. Who love upon each other as a healthy, life-giving body. GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BTM. I LOVE YOU LORD.

Here am I, send me!

No turning back, I’ve made up my mind, I’m giving all I have this time.

what else

I love spontaneous worship. I pray God that You will give me more. Help me to grow more knowledge of the Word so that my spontaneous worship may glorify and come from You and You alone. For my self-birthday present I bought two books from IHOP (International House of Prayer) about prophecy and praise. I can’t wait!!!!

I’ve changed so much. I talk with my high school friends who are unsaved, and I realize and reflect and see how much my heart has softened. Wow. It really is amazing. I really can’t help but thank and praise Him. My heart has softened SO MUCH.

My greed for things have dramatically diminished. I used to LOVE shopping and I was so greedy, materialistic, wanting, jealous… but as I grow in intimacy with the LORD, my sinful desires diminish too. WOW. How have I changed for the better. L O L the only things I want are things for the LORD. A good, life-giving community. A better guitar for praise. A better voice. Better guitar skills. Better body worship skills. To go on missions. To have more opportunities for Jesus to interrupt my life. To go to church. To play guitar. To listen to worship music. To worship. To fellowship. To have intentional times. HAHA I really have changed so much. After my break-up, I was in a dilemma because I had so much time. I was like, “what the heck do single people do?” and I clicked on Google Chrome. I looked at my Bookmarks Bar at the top of the screen and there is only UCSB, UCSB, UCSB, Facebook, E-mail, Chords, Chords, Chords, Chords, Chords….my life is centered upon Jesus. And I boast in Jesus, and Jesus alone! He is not merely good but EXCELLENT!

So I have nothing to do, except fellowship, worship…

and those are the only things I WANT to do.

But there’s been a lot more going on in my life…

Last Sunday, me and my brother got into a huge fight. The shortest, yet worst fight we’ve ever had. Long story short, he hates Christians and Jesus even more now, because I defended Jesus in front of him for the first time. Haha…weak laughter…because the image I’ve built up in front of him has literally crashed and burned. I thought I was doing the best that I could…living out a Christ-centered life in front of him, loving him no matter what…but Satan is inside of him. God I pray for salvation for Noah. I pray for a miracle. There’s nothing I can do, but declare Your power over him. I am literally useless without prayer.

An idea I’ve been living by these days inspired by Pastor Dennis is the power of prayer. Really, my life has been changed. The idea that our prayers fill up a prayer bowl (from Revelations; it’s biblical) and the more we press into them, the more we can influence God. Some prayer bowls are bigger than others. But you know, some things in our life may never happen if we had not prayed for them. He would give us more, if we had just asked!!! Man. I’m getting a car this fall. If I had not prayed I would not have gotten it. Because it is impossible for my mom to afford a car right now. But nothing is impossible with God. I am a praise leader now. If I hadn’t prayed for it, I would not have gotten this opportunity. HOW GREAT OF AN HONOR IS IT TO LEAD WORSHIP FOR THE HIGHEST ONE. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT…I AM SPEECHLESS…BUT PRAISE OVERFLOWS FROM MY LIPS…

God…You are so amazing. This English vocabulary is so limited in exalting You. I pray for tongues that I may exalt You in Your almighty language!!!

You are so good.

Man…I would write more but this cafe is closing.

God, I declare that these past twenty years were full of Your faithfulness. And these next years to come are already filled with Your faithfulness. I can’t wait for them. I press into You. You have been chasing and chasing me these past twenty years. Now it is my turn to chase after You. I dedicate my twenties to You LORD. Use me in magnificent ways. Take me to the highest of heights, not in the worldly sense but in Your incomprehensible sense. I love you so, so much. You are my lover. Only You satisfy me. Nothing else even comes close. God, I just want to dedicate my whole life to You. Take over it. Interrupt my plans for Yours. Use me in every and any way possible. I want nothing else but You. I realize that nothing else in life can overwhelm my desire to love You. I can’t explain this kind of love. I’m really the stupidest of the stupid, and even that doesn’t make sense. I am literally a child in love with You, because I know nothing else except You. And sometimes, if not all the time, I don’t even try to understand everything, because I know the most important thing and that is You, Jesus, Holy Spirit, God. And I will continue to proclaim for the rest of my life that I love You God, because I don’t really need to proclaim anything else. Who cares if I will never understand the reason why I love You, or why You love me, or what You are doing in my life, or what You will do in my life, or etc. Because this is what You do.

I am hopelessly, crazy in love with You.

If anyone ever reads all of this, they have just read the research paper and thesis on why Selah is just plain insane. and this is just a glimpse of what goes on in my head.

I am going to go to the beach now and think about God. 11:33PM.

3254 words.

 

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