[musings] 6/15/16

cornerstonelet your wind blow, through me…Jesus be glorified

let your wind blow

 

I love Jenn Johnson.

She may not be the most gifted vocalist, but she is so anointed. she loves God.

 

I am so grateful for this blog. in time of weariness, loneliness, times where I just need to visibly see my thoughts, I am able to write on this blog. even though I know no one reads this, I am so grateful that I can write.

yesterday; or two days ago I guess cause its 2:37AM right now, was my birthday.

I hate my birthday.

I’ve never had good experiences of it; and it’s always left a bad taste in my mouth.

but this year, I resolved to at least be thankful on my birthday. even though I did practically nothing to celebrate it, I wanted to have a heart of gratitude towards the one who has been faithful to me for these past twenty years; thank you God.

It was really hard; Satan was attacking me all day; telling me how worthless I was, how stupid my birthday was, how no one actually cared, how this, how that… but I fought through. and even though my birthday was indeed just a normal day, it was a day of reminder; of how much God’s love endures forever. Amen.

Thank you God. You have been so steadfast, and faithful, my whole life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So…I just have some more musings to share. that’s what these posts are essentially; musings; which is why they are titled so.

As I returned home today after a belated birthday dinner with my loving small group leader Jenny, I plopped down on our couch next to my mom just cause I was tired. I’m doing my own thing, chatting with her, when she all of a sudden tells me, “we might have to sell this house. a business owner came by today asking if we were interested in selling our house. the next door neighbor has already sold their house, and we want to buy this one to make a new building on the two lots. how much are you willing to sell for?”

to which my mom replied unsurely, “$500,000.”

and then she told me that the man told her that he would send her a list of houses to potentially purchase on friday. and she told him she wanted to live in buena park, fullerton, cerritos, huntington beach, seal beach area.

okay.

like nothing is set for sure right now but…

what

the

heck

what

the

wow.

 

WHAT

 

WHAT

 

okay

 

WHAT

 

yeah. crazy.

 

I have been praying for a house for over 10 years. God gave us a house in 2009, where my family of 5 moved from a small 2bd 1bath apartment that I grew up in for 13 years to a small house 3bd 2bath almost on the same street just a few blocks away. I’ve been living here for 7 years now. we’ve gone through a lot in this house; the death of my father, the moving out of my sister, the gain of a cat (we got her right when we moved in!), the breaking down of the house which has costed us thousands of dollars to fix (money that we don’t have)…and etc.

this house is also poorly set up in that our garage is a room; my brother’s room. so I don’t even get to interact with him when we’re both home.

I learned to be thankful for this house, even if it was tiny and left almost no privacy. but I continued to pray for a better house. one that I could invite friends over to. one that was closer to friends, closer to church. closer to rides. closer to everything else. bellflower is so far and no one knows what bellflower is. and it’s dangerous.

as a growing girl, I always wanted to invite people over; have sleepovers, have hangouts…whatnot. but I never could, because our house was just too small.

God, please…please answer my prayers. I really believe that this may be a miracle that You are working in me and my family’s lives. I have been praying this prayer for a long time…could this possibly be the answer to our prayers?

You know how difficult it is for my family. You know how financially strapped I’ve had to live for the past twenty years of my life. My family has lived humbly, charitably, good-naturedly, patiently, yet yearning…

God. I’m sorry I am a selfish daughter. I’m so sorry that I am so greedy. I am so sorry that I am ungrateful for the things that I have that others do not.

But since You told me to ask for anything, I will ask for anything.

God…please give us a new house. A bigger house, with privacy. With more space. With room to invite friends over and be comfortable. with a cheap mortgage. that we can pay off. in a good area, close to my friends and church. please LORD. please. please.

I really believe God hears our prayers. even the stupidest ones. and as I type this thought my eyes immediately got watery. like, I’ve been praying about getting a house for such a long time. I’ve lived almost all of my life in envy of my friends, who all seemed to live so comfortably. and even as I write this, my pride makes me feel ashamed. ashamed to admit that I’m poor. ashamed to admit that I wish I was rich. ashamed.

oh man. but in Isaiah 61:7 it says, “Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall posess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.”

AMENNNNNN!!!! AMEENNNNNNN!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

DOUBLE PORTION LORD, DOUBLE IT LORD!!!

WOW. GOD IS SO GOOD. I CAN’T REALLY BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING. LIKE NO ONE CAN EVER UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. LIKE WHAT. I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS GOD’S DOING. IT’S FREAKING IMPOSSIBLE DANGIT. IT’S FREAKING. IMPOSSIBLE. FOR MY FAMILY TO BUY A NEW HOUSE. ESPECIALLY ONE IN CERRITOS, BUENA PARK, OR FULLERTON?!?!?! THAT IS A DREAM!!!

WHAT THE HECK. LIKE GOD REALLY HEARS OUR PRAYERS. WHAT THE HECK. MY FAMILY IS FREAKING POOR. LIKE THE FACT THAT I’M GETTING A CAR THIS SEPTEMBER WAS ALSO A MIRACLE. HOW COULD WE AFFORD A CAR?! WHAT THE HECK. HOW COULD WE AFFORD A HOUSE?!?!?! GOD. YOU ARE SO FREAKING CRAZY!!! HAHAHAHAAAA!

 

but you know, even if this doesn’t happen, the LORD is my strength and my portion forever. amen.

 

but if all these things happen, wow. I will be the most blessed woman in the history of history. like I’m crying now. okay. I’m crying.

people have been prophesying over me that the prayers that I had been praying for, even the ones that I felt like wouldn’t happen, that God wouldn’t do, would be done. would come true. and now, when I see my situation, I think the prophecy is true. my prayers are coming true. my dreams are coming true.

I’m growing in intimacy with the LORD. My flesh’s hold on me is getting weaker. I’m getting a car. I might get a house. My voice is starting to improve, and I can play guitar. I am a praise leader. WOW

LORD YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL. LIKE I CAN’T BELIEVE MY HEART WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

okay, truth be told. I didn’t get any birthday present this year. nothing. except for boba and two macarons I happened to receive because I accidentally met my friend on my birthday. but other than that (which I was extremely blessed by. shout out to my friend Vanesa. you never know who you are going to bless. and I’m really 100% positive she will never know that she gave me my only birthday present this year).

but I didn’t complain. and I wasn’t sad. because I kept declaring the LORD’s faithfulness over me. I kept declaring the joy of the LORD over me. and because I was so grateful for the LORD’s faithfulness throughout my whole life. I didn’t complain, and I wasn’t sad.

but possibly, my Father in heaven, who maybe felt a little twinge of sadness for me…maybe He looked with pity upon me as He did to the woman who bled all her life and just sought to touch the edge of His cloak…

maybe He wants to give me a birthday gift. but wow. this is by far the craziest gift I would ever receive.

my heart hurts

it hurts because the LORD is so good.

this must be the longing for Jesus, maranatha.

wow. I really have nothing to say.

I need to pray more.

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