[musings] 7/5/16

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so…

I hate Japan.

maybe hate is a strong word. I guess not hate, but

I don’t really like Japan.

I may be biased…it’s probably because I’m lonely. It’s probably also because I don’t really have much spending money. It’s probably also cause it’s spiritually dead here.

It’s such a weird feeling to have–all my life has been spiritual highs and lows. But the lows were often produced by idolatry; I valued something higher than God. But Japan is strange…like I am yearning for God, and I know He is near. But I don’t feel like He is near. I feel like the air around me is death. I feel like I can’t really feel His presence. But I do know, that He came here before me, and wherever I go, the Holy Spirit is inside of me. But it feels like there is just a deficit here of Him. Like in my head, in my mind, I know that He is right here. But through my bones, the tips of my fingers, my epidermis, the outer cover of my heart, I don’t feel as close to Him. But hear me out, I’m not going through a spiritual low right now. In fact, the past season was where I experienced the most intimacy with the LORD throughout my whole life. And it is ongoing. I have experienced no withdrawals or any falling. It’s just being in this country…it’s so difficult.

So many people warned me of the spiritual aura of Japan. That it was extremely low. And when I got here, I sort of presumed that it would be low, so I tested myself many times, “Am I just thinking it’s depressing or spiritually wack here cause of others?” “Am I just doing self-fulfilling prophecy and blaming this odd feeling on the spiritual atmosphere of Japan?” Believe me, I tried very hard to be optimistic. I tried to dissuade myself and assure myself that it was fine. But no. I think it’s very true. It’s extremely odd, for me to feel this odd feeling in my heart. This feeling that something is missing. That I feel slightly depressed, trapped, afraid, lonely, tired, bored, hopeless, lost…

But I don’t let it interfere with me. No. I have used Jesus’ powerful, holy name so many times in the past 9 days, and I don’t expect to stop. I declare His holiness and pureness over myself and trudge on through the murkiness.

But I don’t deny that it is hard. Even when I listen to uplifting songs such as “Deep Cries Out” or “Endless Light”, there’s like a barricade between the joy and my heart. The joy is reaching to my heart, and my heart yearns for it. But there’s a glass wall in between.

So I declare right now, in JESUS’ POWERFUL NAME, THAT SATAN HAS NO GRIP OVER ME. THAT I AM GOD’S DAUGHTER, AND I AM MADE HOLY BECAUSE HE IS HOLY.

Yeah. I just needed that. Haha.

“I’m listening deeply, I trust You completely, You’ll guide me through all of these shackles…”

Your grace is sufficient for me. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

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