[musings] 7/13/16


I really need a musings post right now…





I really…have so much dilemma going on right now…

can I rant about something seemingly insignificant but actually seriously condemning in my life?





I think 90% of this is because of others and 10% of this is my own desire.


I really liked my eyes…I thought they were special. I thought they were unique in that not a lot of people really had them.

but effing shix.

^first time I’ve semi-cussed on this blog here because it infuriates me that much.


I have been deciding and mulling over receiving a double eyelid procedure.


because I suffer from monolid poison disorder. what that entails is self-confidence lowered by surrounding peoples’ miscalculation of my eyes. I say miscalculation because they just don’t really perceive that they themselves believe that double eyelids are the beauty standard and that people without it are actually self-conscious because they don’t have what the standard of beauty entails. and so the person with the monolid is constantly at a state of looking at their own eyes, wishing it could be the same as everyone else; who many have also changed to double eyelids because that’s what beauty was known as.

to be honest. I effing hate my eyes. now. because no one thinks they are beautiful. because people always give me misjudging comments because of them. because they have only caused me negative emotions. because they have no benefit.

“are your eyes open?” “let’s take the picture again; your eyes were closed” “are you tired” “are you sleepy” “you have small eyes” “you look super asian”

and thinking things like “is she mad” “she looks really cold”

and eyes never looking open in pictures. and eyes never looking open anywhere. and the 45 minutes of makeup everyday because 15 minutes for eyeliner; many times more. 5 minutes putting on falsies everyday and having to have those on all day. looking so chinky that no one thinks you can speak english. looking so chinky that everyone thinks you’re a fob.


and when I tell my sister I want double eyelids, she keeps telling me not to, because my eyes are pretty and double eyelids are ugly.

look, if it was ugly, why would everyone get it. and she got hers too. and she tells me her friend thinks the same way but her friend has it too. what credibility does she have…yeah she’s a fashion designer, but if the only person she can name that agrees with her is her best friend, yes, thank the LORD and joy to the world, two people out of more than 7 billion think my eyes are pretty. yay

I don’t want to get double eyelids. honestly. but I want to get double eyelids. because I want this judging to stop. I want to be treated the same way people with double eyelids do. I wish people saw me as happy and awake too. I wish people approached me more because I looked awake and beautiful. the double standard is harsh, and you really notice it when you are surrounded by friends with double eyelids. trust me.

God, this sucks.


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