[musings] 9/15/16

hello.

wow.

it’s been over a month since my last post!

surreal. extremely surreal.

but wow. what a hell of a month it has been.

I think this past month has been either the most or the second most difficult month of my life.

I firmly believe that I am getting attacked by Satan, nonstop.

Everywhere I go, disaster and problems happen.

first of all, I went to Japan. I got over 100 bed bug bites. I got many mosquito bites. I got drunk a few times.

second of all, I went to a certain third-world country with my mom. we were hit by typhoons and floods.

third of all, I spent a hellish time in south korea. why was it hellish? because I got reoccurring panic attacks. I think I have an anxiety disorder.

it’s an extremely terrible feeling. the worst feeling in the world. I just want to die every time.

you feel claustrophobic. you feel dark. you feel trapped. you feel like you can’t breathe. you feel like your world’s closing in on you. your heart is about to explode. you want to die.

now I understand and empathize with people who have anxiety disorders. it’s so difficult. it’s really pushed me to the limit.

if I didn’t have Jesus’ name bonded to my tongue and my heart, I don’t know if I’d still be here right now.

even now, I am scared and worried for the next attack.

it comes and goes. you just have to pray and pray and pray that you can forget about it. and whisper Jesus’ name in your heart, mind, and soul a 1000 times that you will be healed.

it’s hell.

and so I wait here now, at Incheon Airport.

Due to my stupid internship’s policies, I had to fly back to narita from incheon, to fly back to incheon, to fly to lax.

I’ve been at the airport/airplane for over 15 hours now. 15 more to go woohoo! God, please help me. I’m dying. I only have You. I only have You. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS.

please. help me.

 

Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

 

i have no strength for a picture.

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