[musings] 9/27/16

I feel like God is telling me to journal, so here I am…

Greetings. It’s been a while once again. I guess I’m not as active as I was able to be this past summer.

Yeah, like usual, I am here again, straightforward with dilemmas.

As I thought I was getting over one mountain, here I am at the foot of another.

My anxiety and stomach problems have gotten a lot better. I am not 100% perfect yet, but I don’t think the wholeness is too far away.

It’s my living situation.

I live two doors down from my ex-boyfriend.

Now this really isn’t the best of situations.

And although technically I wreaked this havoc upon myself, I find myself asking God, why did You bring me here?

It’s really hard.

In some way or another I am faced with the dilemma of his presence every single day. Although I may not see his face, I can hear him. Every time I exit or enter my apartment I am hit by the cautious thought, will I see him, what if I see him, what if he sees me, do I want to see him?


I think I am scared. Because as I dig deeper, I find that the root of this dilemma may be unresolved emotions. Unresolved feelings.

I think I haven’t totally gotten over him yet. And that is a dreadful horror that creeps over my heart.

Because you know, I have this familiar feeling of wanting to see him. Wanting to talk to him. Wanting to be able to hang out with him. But I can’t.

And I shouldn’t. Because we are broken up. For good. And I have no plans to get back together with him. Because I simply know better. And I want better.

Which is why my hormones frustrate me. My mind and brain know so fully well that he isn’t up to par to what kind of person I should really be pursuing, and I know so fully well how much he lacks and needs grace in. I know I’m better than that. But why do my emotions and feelings want him?

It’s so annoying!

It’s perfect logical sense to throw him away for a much, much better man. It makes so much sense in my head. But my heart just can’t understand. At least, it hasn’t yet.

I wish I could just be at peace.

I can’t be comfortable here, even in my own home. I just don’t feel at peace. My own apartment feels like a battleground.

Help me, LORD Jesus.

Help me, to get through whatever this is, in the most Christ-like way possible.

My heart yearns to reconcile with him. To talk it out. To confront him. To define the relationship. To establish a friendship. To tear down all walls of shame and embarrassment.

LORD, You’ve always been faithful whenever I’ve asked for grace and mercy in the ministry of reconciliation. You’ve always softened the hearts of my contenders. Please do that again, with Jonathan. Please soften his heart, and open him up to full, honest vulnerability and transparency. In this matter, I just want us both to be honest on how we want to go by with each other. Because frankly, I can’t live like this. It’s too difficult for me, because I can’t comfortably walk around this apartment without feeling self-conscious. It really sucks God. I pray that you will help me, and give me the right timing to reconcile, and then a fruitful, Christ-like conversation which will create a Christ-like atmosphere between us, and then peace to just abound in my heart. Please help me to get over this hurdle in the most Christ-like way possible. My situation is difficult, but I only seek to glorify You through my struggles and hardships. Please help me! Please give me opportunities if it is in Your will.

God I also seek to make new friends that will truly sharpen me and help me grow. I pray that You will bless me with new friendships in this season.

Please give me a job! I really need your provision. I am in need. I trust that You will provide.

Please bless KCM this year, Father. We need and seek Your blessing.

I love You, LORD.


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