[musings] 10/31/16

happy Halloween!!!

I just felt like writing a blog post because of the many changes going on in my life.

I feel like this is a transition season in my life…whatever the past season was, it was crazy, and now it’s apparently coming to an end.

I’ve just been going through a lot of hardships to be honest.

I’ve been very sick, my leadership team rebuked me a lot for imposing my views of proper Christian life onto them, and my car got dirtied, and my car got scratched, and my house got broken into, my car got a ticket…just a lot of things really happening to me, for God knows what reason.

It’s been extremely hard for me to be positive and optimistic.

But here I am.

I am being restored. Because God is my redeemer and He makes all things new.

I’ve been attacked relentlessly, but I’ve been more loved relentlessly. I am more loved by God in every single second than the whole world could love me every single day in my whole lifetime.

God truly loves me. And there is no greater definitive statement about my life.

I think right now I am really Selah-ing. I am pausing, and reflecting. I have been doing that a lot more in my adult life. Maybe that is the purpose for me. To live out my name; driving recklessly and roaming passionately in my life, yet having moments to pause and reflect about this crazy ride of life.

God is truly doing interesting things in my life right now. To be completely honest, I still don’t know what He’s having in mind right now as I go through these hardships. But I have this one desire, this fire in my heart, that tells me, shouts out to me to be positive. To love myself once again. To love. To restore.

God, I prayed yesterday that You would regain me to higher ground. Please do Your thing.

God, I need you, and all I need is You.

Things have been new in my life; going to Jonathan again to church early to “get more plugged in” reminds me of before we started dating. He’s bringing me out to church AGAIN. The fact that he called me out and drove me and me alone to church I think really shows the fact that he still enjoys my presence, or something. To be completely truthful to myself, something that I really don’t want to acknowledge, is that this current relationship or atmosphere I have with Jonathan is utterly dangerous. As much as I don’t want to admit it.

I am trying to get plugged into Isla Vista Church. I’ve been attempting to talk with people, I signed up to make Pastor Jason and his family dinner this Wednesday, and I am planning to go to IVC Retreat this weekend. Every time I go to IVC, I feel like I wish I was part of the family. But interestingly enough during the week, I feel tired when I think about IVC. I just think about the effort that I need to do. But honestly, I rebuke that spirit. I welcome joy, peace, and love in the effort to get plugged into IVC, to join the body and family.

The message this past Sunday by Derrick was so good. He explained about the body and community, and that it doesn’t make sense for us to be a different body part, when God created us fearfully and wonderfully to be a specific part. If we try to be conformed to the body, then the body loses me, and if I change for others, I lose me. God created me beautifully this way. What kind of clay tells its maker how to make it, or why it was made in this way? God created me to be passionate, irrational, unreasonable, stubborn, convicted, foolish, naive, and hopelessly optimistic. God created me for love.

Interestingly enough, Brian told me I changed incredibly after coming back from Japan. He told me I’ve become a lot more legalistic, and more adamant in showing others about my convictions for Christianity and what I think is right. I thought I was striving for what I thought was good in God’s sight, but maybe I wasn’t. Maybe Hezekiah wasn’t truly either, and that’s why God had to send him a wake up call.

I truly have been thinking about it. And I’ve kind of lost the exact analogy but I thought of an analogy comparing Jesus and me to Yena and me. Yena is my closest friend. But I don’t have to go around telling everyone that Yena is my best friend. They can just tell by the way we interact. I realize that I want to do that about Jesus too. I don’t want to keep telling everyone that Jesus is my best friend. I want people to just see that… When I talk to Jesus, when I live, when I act, when I love, I want people to see that I am close to Jesus. Because I don’t need to communicate it. It just shows.

God, I pray for more intimacy with You. As always, God, I strive for more intimacy with You. Please, please, please be faithful and gracious to draw closer to me. I want to draw closer to You.

I am a lot more consistent with God now. I consistently have been QTing for at least 30 minutes a day, for 2 weeks now. I’m on a roll! I’ve never been this consistent. This social media fast really helps. I have so much more productivity and less distractions. Honestly, I haven’t seen much fruit in terms of intimacy with God or anything special in doing QT consistently; maybe because it should be a guaranteed thing in our walks with Jesus. But I have definitely garnered a lot more damage and attacks. God, please deliver me.

Honestly, I really need to study.  Haha, so I will cut my message short here. But anyways. What I keep telling myself tonight is that the fruits of the Spirit are peace, joy, and love. Let’s live like that. Not because I HAVE to. But because I want to. And I don’t have to make others do that too. In fact, let’s stop caring about others’ walk with Jesus. Because that is their intimacy with them. I want to focus on my intimacy with Jesus. In fact, I want more impartations from God of that jealousy He has for me. I want to be jealous for God too. So I’m going to strive for God. I don’t care what others think, and I also don’t care about what others do. Now, it’s just gonna be me and God. Nothing else.

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